Innate Worth & The Ego
Obsession with the ego comes from having lived in a situation in which other people’s decisions about your worth deeply impacted your health, safety and happiness. Fear of judgment emerges when that judgment translated into real danger to your well-being.
As a result, that fear can guide us to be intensely preoccupied with understanding and managing other people’s impressions and perceptions of us. It can make us deeply sensitive and reactive to judgment (real or perceived) from others, either causing us to put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves to be perceived well (appearing attractive, charismatic, intelligent, empathetic, impressive, etc) or we can take a few experiences of being treated or perceived poorly to begin to doubt our worth and our deservedness of being treated and perceived well.
The stress of living with that constant fear and image management and the depression of living in the belief and self-concept that there is something about who you are that makes you unworthy of love and belonging, safety, health and happiness is an even more dangerous threat than being perceived poorly by others. Because it means you are abandoning yourself.
There was a point in my life in which I felt so hopeless about who I was and what I was capable of that I didn’t see the value in continuing to be alive. It’s because I lived in a sick culture that evaluates people on what they can offer aesthetically, sensually or practically, and their very existence is not valued at all. If I wasn’t useful or consistent or excellent in some way, I was worthless.
For a long time I was either pretending to be someone I thought would be valued or hating my “self” for not being valuable to anyone. I don’t believe I’ve become someone else. Rather, I let my concept of “self” fade away and now I simply am. I am simply being.
From the outside, from other people’s perspectives, I am someone, an identity, a caricature in their eyes pieced together by impressions. Luckily, however, inside, I am no longer a caricature. I am not perceiving myself from the outside as if painting a portrait of who I want others to see or guessing what they might be seeing.
I no longer look at myself through eyes that aren’t willing or able to properly see me.
My worth cannot be evaluated. All living beings have innate worth.
Controlling the perception of others is impossible and exhausting.
Holding onto something as fluid and dynamic as an identity or self concept is stifling and limiting, often to the point of being crushed or smothered by the weight of this role you feel compelled that you are, that maybe you don’t even like.
I’d like to say that spiritually we can overcome this belief instilled in us by our societies just through internal work, but sometimes we need real proof that we can be valued for just being, and often that means leaving our current societal context for more healthy societies. At home, that means finding a healthier workplace, friend group, healthier outlets, hobbies and activities, creating unions and community/grassroots movements for a better reality and if necessary, it means moving towns, cities, or even countries to find a place where innate worth is understood and there is a system in place to honor and support that understanding.
For me, it was moving abroad to live in Ecovillages and intentional communities where we believe in the innate worth of all living beings and practice non-judgmental awareness and loving kindness. We center conscious relating and non-violent communication, working together to meet everyone’s needs regeneratively and equitably in harmony with nature. It has only been in these contexts and at a weekend retreat I go to every year where I’ve felt the compassion to stop focusing on how I’m being perceived and to feel safe enough to simply be.
I truly believe that if our economic and social systems were equitable and compassionate, we would not be so obsessed with how we are being perceived, nor would we be stressed and depressed about it. If we could be sure that we would be cared for and respected no matter what, we all could truly and simply be. That will take local economy and community building for equity and social harmony as well as the healing work of caring for and witnessing each other and ourselves with pure compassion.
A huge part of well-being is the ability to feel calm and relaxed, knowing that you are safe and cared for, for no other reason than the fact that you exist. As we co-create our systems, keeping in mind the innate worth of all living beings, we can begin to design and implement equitable and compassionate realities for all.
