Nonviolent Communication
The structure of a brain’s neural network grows similarly to that of a plant’s root system. Like a plant’s roots become root bound when they get twisted up inside the same old pot for too long, so too does the brain when it is stuck in the same culture for too long. What subsequently grows from those roots isn’t all that it could be, and it might wither away never growing any larger than its container—its culture—allowed it to be.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had the instinct to run. I was born to an ignorant, violent, substance-abusing household, and a culture born of imperialism, genocide, slavery, systemic oppression, domination, individualism/competition, patriarchy, neurotypical/hetero/cis normativity, corruption, exploitation, greed, materialism, overconsumption, and an insatiable desire for anaesthetizing inebriation and/or chemically induced oblivion from its own monstrosity. If you can empathize, you’ll understand why I’ve been like a fish trying to jump out of a sick, poisoned fishbowl all my life.
Cultural blindness is an incredibly dangerous affliction. There’s an Ethiopian proverb that states, “fish discover water last,” meaning that when we become so accustomed to “the way things are” it can become invisible or unchangeable to us, like the air we breathe. It’s important to discover the water, especially when it’s poisonous, so you have the awareness to make necessary changes, or in my case, to jump out in search for cleaner water.
In the fishbowl of New England, my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood were inundated with judgment, accusation, blaming, belittling, analysis, evaluation, comparison, hierarchy, objectification/commodification, coercion, punishment, emotional detachment, and pathologization. Not to mention rampant substance abuse. My culture of origin is poison, and it blamed me for being poisoned as it does all of us negatively impacted.
In an extremely judgmental, analytical and individualistic culture, individuals are blamed for suffering from the collective, systemic issues we face, because culture, especially when so deeply and lengthily immersed in it, it’s harder to notice, target and fix cultural issues than it is to do so to an individual. So, like many, my desire to jump headfirst out of the fishbowl got me labeled as “mentally ill” rather than being empathized with and having the toxic influences acknowledged and remedied. I’m sure many of us experience this.
What if we could instead cultivate a culture that utilizes a method of communication that is compassion, empathy, and connection-centered that seeks to recognize the emotions, needs, desires and values behind our words and actions? What if we could remedy the alienation we unintentionally inflict on ourselves and each other by learning and teaching how to healthy relate and communicate with one another?
Luckily, Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg dedicated his life’s work to developing the practice of Nonviolent Communication. In his book, Nonviolent Communication, Rosenberg goes over what violent communication is and how to remedy it with NVC (Nonviolent Communication.)
Violent Communication:
Moralistic Judgments
Moralistic Judgments include:
Blame
Insults
Put-Downs
Labels
Criticism
Comparisons
“Deservedness”
Diagnoses
Analyses
Evaluations
Examples of Moralistic Judgments:
“Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.”
NVC alternative: “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts because I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.
When my partner wants more affection than I feel like giving them, I might call them “needy and dependent,” but when I want more affection than my partner feels like giving me, I might call them “aloof and insensitive”
NVC alternative: I recognize that I am making moralistic judgments about my partner based on my own needs, and I could instead say, “I am feeling tired and I’m needing some space right now, would you be willing to call someone else to support you right now?” Or “I am feeling sad and needing to feel more connected with you, would you be willing to spend some quality time with me now?” Either way, by releasing the moralistic judgments and realizing they are coming from my own needs in the moment, I can realize it’s healthier to just communicate my feelings and needs rather than possibly hurting my partner by calling them things.
Denial of Responsibility
Denial of Responsibility is blaming circumstances, external forces, other things and other people for one’s own words and actions.
Denial of Responsibility includes:
“I had/have to because (it/they/he/she/women/men/society/etc.)”
“I was following orders”
“(You/it/he/she/they/etc.) make me feel/do/say ________”
This kind of language obfuscates each of our individual responsibility and power over our own words and actions. It’s important that we are always aware of and accountable for the way in which we are affecting our lives and the people around us through our words and actions.
Demands & Threats
Demands and Threats assert power, force and domination over others. Telling people they “have to” do or say or act in a certain way “or else” they will be punished, or that they do not “deserve” to be treated with respect and kindness, are all unhealthy, violent, and alienating methods of communication that obviously does not foster harmony or connection.
Examples of Demands and Threats:
“Get that on my desk by 9am or you’re fired.”
NVC alternative: “I am feeling stressed because I’m needing this project to be done in a timely manner. Would you be willing/able to finish this part of the project by 9am?”
“She deserved to get smacked because she cheated on that test.”
NVC alternative: “I am feeling angry at her because I value academic honesty and I’m needing to see consequences for dishonesty.”
Nonviolent Communication
The process of NVC is to express honestly and receive empathically the following things:
The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
How we feel in relation to what we observe
The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
The goal of the process is that each person in an exchange is able to connect empathically with one another on a heart level, recognizing the shared humanity and thus accessing the compassion necessary for constructive and harmonious communication.
When we use nonviolent communication in relating with ourselves internally, we also become more adept at recognizing and tending to our own needs, desires and values, making it easier for us to be there for and design lives ourselves in more nourishing and honoring ways as well as communicate with others more clearly and effectively what’s going on inside of us.
A few of my favorite excerpts from Rosenberg’s book go as follows:
“We get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught how to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little kids and good parents. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being ‘good.’ But if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.”
“Passed down through generations, even centuries, much of this destructive cultural learning is so ingrained in our lives that we are no longer conscious of it…It takes tremendous energy and awareness to recognize this destructive learning and to transform it into thoughts and behaviors that are of value and of service to life. This transformation requires a literacy of needs and the ability to get in touch with ourselves, both of which are difficult for people in our culture. Not only have we never been educated about our needs, we are often exposed to cultural training that actively blocks our consciousness of them…We have inherited a language that served kings and powerful elites in domination societies. The masses, discouraged from developing awareness of their own needs, have instead been educated to be docile and subservient to authority.”
With NVC, the internal statement, “I should do something with my life, I’m wasting my education and my talents” turns into: “When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. Therefore, I would now like to find part-time work in my profession.” The difference is connecting and empathizing with one’s own feelings and needs and creating a practical action step in talking care of those needs.”
When we are able to practice Nonviolent Communication with ourselves and each other, connection, resolution and harmony is the result.
Communicating nonviolently is an ideal to aspire towards, and we will all have our difficulties and struggles in our process of transitioning the way we think, speak, and relate. For myself, having grown up around so much violence, I have trouble trusting myself and others not to hurt each other in some way, so I tend to keep to myself and maintain a wall between myself and others even though I truly desire to be connected, warm, and of service to the people around me.
I’ve noticed that it is easier for me to do so when I’ve been in a community well-versed in healthy relating and nonviolent communication for a while, because I experience a building of trust that calms my nervous system and allows me to be more myself and more loving rather than fearful. I also don’t shame myself for my fear, because when I am in New England, it is actually safer to keep to myself and not be too open, giving and friendly, unfortunately enough.
I’m happy that I jumped out of my fish bowl and let my roots wander outside of my original container. As I explore the greater world, I am aware of the vast and deep harm my ancestral culture has done to this world, and I’m learning ways of thinking, living and relating that have been historically suppressed, alienated, destroyed and exploited by my culture. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to be someone and live in a world that honors each other and communicates and relates in healthy, nonviolent ways.
To read more about nonviolent communication, check out Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication wherever books are distributed.
